if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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