I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
