I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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