so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
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The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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