I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Verdict: uncircumcised.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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