she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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