Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
