On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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