I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
