so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
