I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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