Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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