apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
