This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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