i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
