I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
