I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
