I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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