I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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