I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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