Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
