Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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