She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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