I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Randomize
