I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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