man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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