I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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