I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
not ubering you a puppy
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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