Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
