That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
