I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
