her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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