so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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