In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
