Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
