hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
