Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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