Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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