There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
