take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
