She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
