Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
