It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
