ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
