please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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