She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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