How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
