so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
