At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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