So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
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I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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