i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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