I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
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i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
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If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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