After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
